For much of my adult life, I dealt with stress and anxiety by staying hyper-busy and strictly controlling what I ate and how much I exercised. While my condition was never serious enough for an intensive treatment program, decades of disordered eating habits made my life and body as constricted as my diet. I exercised for hours each day, kept careful track of caloric intake and limited myself to a miniscule number of “safe” foods: fruit, brown rice, cottage cheese and air-popped popcorn.
I tried to convince concerned friends and family that I didn’t have an eating disorder, insisting I was simply an athlete and a very strict vegetarian. Yet, as my 40th birthday approached, I finally acknowledged that I did indeed have some serious control issues. Every part of me was stiff— mentally, emotionally and physically. I wanted to laugh more, better appreciate the joys of life and learn to relax. It was time to change how I thought about my body and my life, but didn’t know where to begin.
In typical type-A fashion, I read stacks of self-help books, joined a support group, consulted a nutritionist and met with various therapists, all in pursuit of a quick cure. I finally clicked with a therapist who specializes in treating eating disorders, but I was impatient with the slow, complex process and asked for homework assignments, things that would be tangible measures of my progress. Instead, I was gently reminded that I was a human being, not a human doing. I was encouraged to be more aware of what I was doing and feeling and to accept the present without trying to change it.
This sounded great, in theory. But for someone who felt completely lost without a lengthy “to do” list in hand, simply being was a significant challenge.
From Doing to Being
My relentless pursuit of answers eventually led me to studies suggesting that many yogic principles—such as gratitude and self-acceptance—could benefit the estimated 11+ million Americans with eating disorders, and millions more with disordered eating and negative body self-image. I was encouraged to read that mindful practices, such as yoga and meditation, can help focus attention and enhance the mind-body connection.
After learning that many eating disorder treatment programs now include yoga as part of their therapeutic services, I signed up for a beginners’ workshop at my local yoga studio, where I learned to harness my breath and quiet my mind. Slowly I felt my tightly clenched muscles and self-criticism begin to relax, and soon I was taking regular classes and practicing on my own at home.
Admittedly, my at-home sessions were usually conducted in front of Tivo’d episodes of Top Chef. A die-hard multitasker, I found it nearly impossible to focus on one thing at a time. It was better when I attended a studio class, where I removed my wristwatch and tried not to think of all the errands I needed to do.
I initially gravitated toward instructors who were dancers or gymnasts, inspired by their fit physiques. Eventually, my classes became less about burning calories and more about access to a community of like-minded souls in an accepting atmosphere. Having an eating disorder can be very isolating; in yoga class, it was enough to just be here, now. This gave me the courage to examine what was at the root of my struggles with weight and body image, and to observe and experience my thoughts and emotions without judgment.
Psychologist Dr. Jonathan Simons, who teaches at Inner Power Yoga in Calabasas, says that for some students the hardest pose is savasana, or “corpse pose.” Flat on the back, eyes closed, arms and legs spread out, this final restorative pose is meant to be deeply relaxing, but can be a challenge for those who can’t turn off their mental chatter.
“The mental chatter is always with us. The goal isn’t shutting it off, which really isn’t possible, but rather quieting it down,” assures Simons. “We need to control the chatter instead of having the chatter control us.” By focusing instead on inhaling and exhaling, we develop a stronger connection to the body and the present moment.
After going to class regularly for several months, it was liberating to realize that even if I was the least flexible and most uncoordinated person in the room, no one really cared. We were all at different levels of ability and no one was perfect. No one was even trying to be perfect. The poses weren’t as important as being mindful and aware.
Some days are easier than others to be mindful, but that’s why they call it a yoga practice. Knowing that practice, not perfection, is the goal relieves the pressure to steadily advance in a linear direction. Growth can come in bits and pieces.
An Antidote to Perfectionism
We may not have complete control over things like our health, relationships and the economy, but we can train ourselves not to be thrown off course by stress. Yoga can be a key factor in the ability to live a more mindful and balanced life. For someone with an eating disorder, this means learning to truly nourish and strengthen the body.
The number of people suffering from disordered eating or distorted body image is on the rise. For some, an eating disorder can be a very serious and even life-threatening condition, and these individuals should seek qualified professional help. For others, the means to a more balanced life may be as simple as a yoga mat and a heart that’s open to change.
Getting Help
Taking the first step by seeking help for an eating disorder is essential. The Eating Disorder Referral and Information Center at www.edreferral.com offers a comprehensive zip code-organized database of eating disorder professionals, as well as useful articles and links to professionally led support groups.
Freelance writer/editor Kimberlie Nitti is founder and principal of QuarterMoon Media in Topanga Canyon. (kimberlienitti@yahoo.com)
Photo courtesy Riley Roxx
