Whole Life Times: Take a Ride on the Wild Side

February 2005 | BackWords

Take a Ride on the Wild Side

by Mark Miller

In the wonderful, wide world of entertainment, mankind’s greatest achievement, for those who relish pure fun, is the amusement park. The problem with amusement parks is that they’re designed to appeal to children—or at least to the child in every adult. Just for the record, the child in me is named Billy. When we go to amusement parks, Billy has a grand old time while I waffle between boredom and nausea.

I’ve always wondered why there weren’t amusement parks designed specifically for adults. If I were to design an adult amusement park, I’d divide it in half, the first half exclusively for women. Would you like a private, free preview tour? That’s the spirit. You’re so adventurous. You know, I’ve always loved that about you. So, come along now, it’s ladies first, as we begin our fabulous tour of Womanland.

On your left, you’ll notice Womanland’s most popular ride—The Tunnel of Sensitivity. There, you’ll begin your voyage seated next to a handsome audioanimatronic who will express genuine interest in, and concern for, your every need. He’ll love to cook and clean. He’ll cry openly and unashamedly. He will not be reading a newspaper as you attempt to communicate with him. And, oh, by the way, his middle name is “Commitment.”

The line to get into Womanland’s You Can Have It All Pavilion is the longest in the park, but well worth it. For once inside, you will experience, through virtual reality, exactly what it’s like to have a rewarding career, a loving husband, two beautiful children, an incredible house, a gorgeous body and a trust fund. Look for it in the park’s Fantasyland section.

By now, you’ve no doubt worked up an appetite, so let’s stop for a bite to eat at Selma’s. Since there are no men here to impress, you’ll find no soups or salads on the menu. No, Selma’s is pure indulgence. So go ahead, pretend you’re home alone and stuff yourself with the Five-Cheese Lasagna and Keg O’Chicken, followed by a long, leisurely soak in the Häagen-Dazs Baths.

But don’t relax now, because the most fun is still to come. For, you see, Womanland is 95 percent clothing shops! Wholesale! In each shop, incredible bargains abound in your size, none of the saleswomen are as attractive as you, and you look absolutely ravishing in everything.

You’ll wrap up your day with the most incredible sex of your life in the It’s A Large World After All mountain retreat. In your own private cabin, you’ll be greeted by your choice of Brad Pitt, Denzel Washington or Tom Cruise love-clones. They’ll fulfill your needs completely, never get tired, not expect a thing in return and cuddle with you afterwards for hours, while complimenting your mind.

Okay, the women seem to be enjoying themselves, so let’s excuse ourselves and head over to Manland. We’ll hit up the Zone of Irresponsibility first, because that gets crowded fast.

Follow me into the affectionately dubbed “Bachelor Heaven.” Beer bottles, dirty socks and boxes of half-eaten pizza litter the floors. Life-sized posters of Sports Illustrated swimsuit models adorn the walls. There are four and only four non-stop activities here: watching sports, getting snacks, bragging and trying to impress younger women. On weekdays, expect a two-hour wait to get in.

For men who have just become engaged, there is the popular Hall Of Second Thoughts, where one can accumulate cash and prizes by expressing doubts about one’s engagement, the woman in question, promises already made to have children and the entire concept of fidelity. Bonus points are awarded for moaning about attractive women you’ve dated in the past, who you could still “get” if not for this pesky engagement. Those who end up deciding to call it all off walk away with the grand prize—a brand new Ford Bronco.

In the Wedded Bliss Pavilion, married men relax in the world’s most comfortable Barcalounger recliner. While they sleep, read Playboy, or watch Rescue 911, their wives take care of their children and the entire running of the house. If any wife or child comes within a 10-yard radius of the Barcalounger, the offending family member will receive a mild yet discouraging 25 volt shock.

Not to be missed is the Real Man Hall Of Fame, which has various dioramas celebrating Men Who Can Drink the Most and Still Remember What City They’re In; Men Who Can Lie, Cheat and Steal To Get to the Top of Their Profession Without Feeling a Smidgeon of Guilt; Men Who Can Juggle Five Wives with No Sweat and Without Any Wives Becoming Suspicious; and Men Who Have Never Cried and Don’t Intend To Start Now.

For males over 30, there’s the You Think You’ve Had Medical Problems? display, in which graphic, three-dimensional displays illustrate every possible health-related problem. There are no prizes here, other than the satisfaction of sharing the mind-numbing details of each one of your past and current medical problems with anyone within earshot.

I fully expect these amusement parks to be smash hits, so I’ve already begun planning even more special-interest theme parks—for policemen, fashion models, forest rangers and rabbis. Naturally, the future is uncertain, but I think you’ll agree that one thing is obvious: I’ve got way too much free time on my hands.

Mark Miller has written for TV, movies and celebrities, and has been a professional stand-up comedian and a humor columnist for the Los Angeles Times Syndicate. He is currently completing a religious screenplay titled The Passion of The Moses, and sincerely hopes both for world peace and for Paris Hilton to respect his restraining order. E-mail him.

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