Whole Life Times: Not for the Faint of Heart

February 2006 | BackWords

Not for the Faint of Heart

Passionate remedies for America’s schlockiest holiday

by Lou Bendrick

It’s upon us again, people! The schlockiest of schlocky celebrations, the red-and-pink retailer’s bonanza, a hell for singles and a boon for the Chinese economy: Valentine’s Day. Of all the American holidays, V-Day may be the biggest challenge in terms of finding authenticity. (Actually St. Patrick’s Day is harder, but work with me here.) As a remedy to heart-studded boxers and strands of flashing pink lights, here are a few ideas about how to put passion and authenticity back into February 14. In the language of those little candy hearts—SAY YES!

1. Get to know red a bit better. Why do we perceive red as the color of desire? According to Amy Butler Greenfield, author of The Perfect Red: Empire, Espionage and the Quest for the Color of Desire, red makes the nervous system more alert. Seeing crimson makes us breathe a little faster, our pupils dilate, and raises our heart rate slightly. Why? “Probably because it’s the color of blood,” she says. In nature, red can mean danger—birds will avoid poisonous red berries. Perhaps it means danger at the mall, too. Think twice before reaching for that red sweater that makes your heart pitter patter: Artificial red dyes, according to Greenfield, who comes from a family of dyers, are more likely to be toxic. “Natural dying is much less burdensome to the land and on the whole for human beings,” she says.

2. Get ecstatic. Feb. 14 is first and foremost a day for lovers, so if you’re going to celebrate in the boudoir, why not discover the god or goddess within at the same time? Tantra, an ancient practice founded in India 5,000 years ago, can add spiritual depth and serious passion to your love life. “It really does bring you into an ecstatic realm,” says Dr. Judy Kuriansky, a renowned psychologist and sex therapist, “and you absolutely can get there through very simple techniques.” One such technique (because I know you’re curious) is “eye gazing,” which involves sitting on your partner’s lap, synchronizing your breathing and placing your hands on each other’s hearts. “The key here is to look behind the eyes and into the soul,” advises Dr. Judy. For more on Tantra and the eye-gazing technique, check out her book, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Tantric Sex.

3. Reward true love. I’m talking about the real deal here: the unconditional, self-sacrificing soul mate kind of love that can be found in only one place: your pet. Who else is going to do that happy little dance when you return from the mailbox, or snuggle up to your neck when you have the flu? This Valentine’s Day, reach for the organic kibble and take Schnookums for an extra-long walk. And at the risk of sounding like one of those nutty dog people (full disclosure: I am one), why not go the extra mile and bake some homemade biscuits in cute little heart shapes? “My little dog,” wrote Edith Wharton, “a heartbeat at my feet.” Sigh.

4. Get someone out of jail. Good egg that you are, you probably gave out a bunch of Heifer International coupons for Christmas and Hanukah, so why not make a donation to the American Civil Liberties Union for Valentines Day? I’m sorry if this seems incredibly unromantic, but I’m getting back to the roots of this holiday, honest! Some say the original “valentine” was a letter sent from jail by St. Valentine to his lover in the third century. St. Valentine, a priest, was imprisoned for marrying people illegally. (A nasty Roman emperor outlawed marriage because he needed young men for his army.) So why not protect your right to marry whomever the hell you want and stay out of jail for saying whatever the hell you want. …without our government spying on you? Since 1920, the ACLU has worked to preserve our civil liberties and they are certainly working their butts off now. So, if the deterioration of civil liberties under this administration makes you see red, pony up.

5. Write a letter. Letter-writing—it’s not just for your great Aunt Polly! There are many great reasons to write a love letter, says Barrie Dolnick, author of How to Write A Love Letter: Putting What’s In Your Heart On Paper. Writing a love letter, she says, is not only an enormously meaningful gesture, but also serves as a time capsule and heirloom for generations to come. Her first tip: don’t feel pressured to write the best love letter ever. “You don’t have to be Shakespeare. Just be you,” advises Dolnick. “The best way is to chat and use your normal voice.” She also suggests pairing your letter with a small gift. “Something that says ‘I know you and love you for who you are.’”

6. Buy the holy trinity. Chocolates, flowers and wine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with going the traditional route for Valentine’s Day, but by all means, send a love letter to the planet at the same time by buying fair-trade chocolates, pesticide-free flowers or a big bottle of organic Syrah.

Lou Bendrick is an environmental humorist who writes for Grist and other publications.

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