Whole Life Times: Making Love Out of Nothing at All

February 2008 | Life, the Universe and Everything

Making Love Out of Nothing at All

By Rebecca Ephraim

The low point was several weeks before the couples’ workshop when Ron, my significant other, said he’d rather undergo root canal surgery. Or maybe it was a few days before we left for the workshop when he “joked” about getting prepared for “emotional waterboarding” (waterboarding being that infamous form of torture the U.S. military finds so effective).

Oh, he wasn’t having second thoughts about going; he’s committed to me and our relationship and was determined to see it through (much like root canal surgery). But it was his perogative to attend under protest. Of course, it’s his authenticity that I find appealing, even though I wanted him to want this adventure as much as I did.

At any rate, as we prepared for “Sharing the Path,” a five-day couples’ retreat at Esalen Institute, a stunning retreat center legendary for its water’s edge mineral hot tubs, clearly I was the “dragger” and Ron was the “draggee.” Nestled in the cliffs of California’s Big Sur, we joined 13 other couples in exploration of all aspects of our most intimate relationship. And while I can’t speak for the others, the two of us came away flush with new skills that have enhanced our communication, intimacy and lovemaking.

After this workshop, I’m convinced that, as a culture, most of us learned our basic sexual skills in the backseat of a ’60s, ’70s or ’80s Chevy. And those “basics” — clumsy and primitive as they were — ushered us into adulthood.

Too bad. I’ve heard of indigenous tribes where, as part of a ritual coming-of-age, an older woman is assigned to school a young man in the art of lovemaking. Now that’s civilized.

I need to pause here to share a workshop gem that is serving us well. Apparently, lovemaking goes beyond sex. Judith and Robert Gass, our amazingly wise relationship teachers (with plenty of experience having been married to each other for 40 years), explained that lovemaking is showing your partner how much you care in unlimited ways — a soft and knowing touch, a neck rub, a kind word, running an errand for your partner, a generous hug or a big thanks.

See, sensitive interactions like these keep each partner coming back for more. With this approach, you’ve just made love to each other, and it had nothing to do with the bedroom. Or rather, it has everything to do with the bedroom, as it puts you each in a very generous mood toward one another.

And as for the Chevy backseat, while having desire is one thing, possessing technique is quite another. For the evening sessions, we were split into men’s and women’s groups. Judith, with the women, and Robert, with the men, encouraged us to speak openly (and always confidentially) about our sexual history and how it has shaped our perceptions, for better or worse. Their instruction on advanced physical loving spanned from pleasuring approaches and staying present to tantric sex (eye gazing, synchronized breathing). Practice sessions were encouraged. Ron was warming up to this workshop stuff.

Of course, discussions of sex are always provocative. The other assignments were Ron’s dread — they required daring emotional spelunking into the very core of one’s shadow self. These jagged, often unexplored recesses are deep emotional wounds that, when triggered, can evoke outpourings of anger, fear, unworthiness and abandonment (to name just a few — you probably know yours). These reactions are toxic to intimate relationships. The good news is that when armed with the skills that Judith and Robert taught, newly learned behaviors can catapult your intimacy to higher levels.

Despite his earlier dramatics, Ron was a delightfully able partner, in fact, helping me through some particularly dicey emotional moments.

I already have my eye on Robert and Judith’s advanced couples’ workshop in 2009. Ron is talking about scheduling a dentist appointment.

Rebecca Ephraim, publisher of SharedVISION, our Vancouver, BC sister publication, is a natural born dragger. Reprinted with permission, SharedVISION Magazine (shared-vision.com)

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