By Wendy Strgar
In the words of the great artist Vincent Van Gogh, “There is nothing more truly artistic than to love people.” Much 
of the art of love lives within our ability to access our capacity for sexual desire and arousal. There is probably no more deeply vulnerable act of sharing ourselves than in letting go sexually with someone you love. In many ways our sexual intimacy mirrors what we share in our daily relationship; if you don’t feel safe enough to express yourself, or are hiding things in your daily life, these emotional dilemmas shape the way you share yourself intimately.
The libido is affected by everything from hormonal levels to our cultural and familial history, as well as the quality of our communication and sense of safety within our relationship. The match, or more frequently, mismatch of two partners’ abilities to awaken their arousal mechanism in response to each other’s sexual needs becomes the foundation for the satisfaction or frustration in their intimate lives. In my own marriage, we suffered through years of what often becomes one of the most hurtful and significant battles in a relationship—who is going to make the first move.
On the surface, the idea of initiating sex seems like it should be playful: “How about a date tonight?” or “Got any plans around midnight?” Yet when the requests repeatedly come from one partner and are continuously rebuffed by the other, the issue can become a powder keg. The classic “I’m not in the mood,” or “I’m too tired” creates a cycle of defensive and offensive reactions that spill into all the other areas of relating.
Although many sex therapists believe that the partner who refuses has more power in the relationship, having been on both sides of this struggle, I can assure you there is no winning side: the guilt of turning away is as painful as the shame of rejection. This is where mismatched desire can become a dead-end scenario for couples who just don’t have the language to find their way out.
The first step in stopping this cycle is to identify and name it. Find a neutral time to bring up the topic and agree to look at the issue from a distance, almost as though you’re talking about people you both know. This can be difficult, especially if the conversation is long overdue. The breakthrough begins when you can both witness the stuck pattern in your intimate life. Mutual recognition of a problem has the power to replace anger with peace, because you will each no longer be alone with it. Although recognition doesn’t solve the problem, it does allow you to create a new relationship to it—it allows you to separate your feelings from what is actually happening.
Getting There from Here
An important ground rule for a healthy sexual relationship is to agree not to say anything mean to each other. It is incredible how often we say things to a partner that we would never utter to a friend. For me, this safety agreement made a huge difference in my self esteem—and also that of my husband. It also made a huge dent in our conversation about initiating; so much of the negativity and fear of rejection lost its power as we both began to feel safer and more loved.
Agree to stop keeping score. Whether you are giving or getting the rejection, keeping score only dampens passion and connection. Start by setting small goals of weekly physical connection that need not even be overtly sexual. A physical conversation can remind you of the healing power of touch, and allow you to see the many ways your relationship is sound and worthy.
As you move back toward intimacy, refocus your attention by rethinking the concept of sexual pleasure as foreplay. Focus on deliberately growing your comfort zone. Remember those teenage makeout sessions where just slipping your hand under your partner’s clothing was a total turn on? Kissing can also rekindle desire, and exploring the sensuous curves of the neck and hip will surprise you with new meanings of erogenous.
Over time, this translates into a more passionate sexuality, which will be mirrored in your emotional relationship. Giving up any anxiety associated with sexual intercourse, which is too often a race to the orgasmic finish, can actually open you to whole new worlds of pleasure.
By transforming the initiation question into one that allows you to ask for the intimate contact you seek, you create the space to reinvent the question of who wants who, or at least take a closer look at the painful ways we miss each other in our daily encounters. If you are really interested in changing the nature of your relationship, start at the beginning—get really good at foreplay.
Sex columnist Wendy Strgar is the founder of Good Clean Love, Inc., purveyor of organic personal love products.
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