Earthly elements of an organic orgasm
By Wendy Strgar
Usually when we talk about something being organic, we mean food or product ingredients, not sex. To be labeled “organic,” food must be produced without any chemicals to induce or sustain its growth. The process relies on old-fashioned techniques of good soil, clean air, decent weather, and often small farms rather than the billion-dollar chemical- and genetic modification industries. The more we know about the synthetic process of producing food, the more we want the real stuff that comes from nature.
Meeting the needs of the human sexual appetite is also a multi-billion dollar industry. Here, however, instead of seemingly endless rows of genetically altered corn, the product is millions of cheap porn DVDs featuring bio-engineered oversized breasts, tummy tucks and engorged male sex organs. This crop of sexuality is available anytime, day or night, via almost any form of digital transmitter from TV to computer to smart phone. The adult industry that promotes it makes more money than every big technology company you can imagine—combined. Yet in spite of the enormous spending on “fast food” virtual orgasms, I believe most of us would pay more for real, organic sex, the kind that changes you from the inside out. This rare breed of intimacy is the one that inspires songs and movie scripts, the kind of sex that grows out of a relationship in which you are connected as deeply in life as in the bedroom.
Growing an intimate relationship with the potential of a steady crop of organic orgasms also requires a healthy ecosystem. If you drive up the I-5 freeway at certain times of the year, you’ll see farmers burning off old fields to clear and regenerate them. In the sexual ecosystem, I often use the metaphor of fire to describe the passion and intensity of physical intimacy. It is nature’s energetic equivalent to our sexuality. Fire is the energy of life, providing light, heat and the ability to transform the physical world. Fire in intimacy is the force of attraction that keeps a relationship dynamic and whole.
The foundation of your relationship is in your thoughts. Any accomplished gardener will tell you that the abundance (or lack) of a crop depends strongly on the quality of the soil. So it is in a relationship. Couples who add healthy thoughts to the mix, pulling out stubborn weeds and composting the discards with care, will have more success in every aspect of their relationship, including orgasms.
Without light and air, the best soil in the world will be unproductive. The quality and frequency of your conversations and ability to self disclose is the oxygen that fuels your fire. Sexual self-disclosure is most challenging of all. Creating a language and building the trust to describe what kinds of touch are pleasurable and/or painful is one of the most transformative conversations a couple can invest in. Sharing private sexual feelings and exploring anatomy together will not only provide real access to shared organic orgasms, but will enhance the safety of the whole relationship.
I use the metaphor of water—essential for plant growth—in relationships to describe the ebb and flow of time and presence that a couple shares. Togetherness means different things to different people, and not having a shared definition can make the relationship both unsafe and unsatisfying.
Doing the daily work of tending the ecosystem of your relationship will bring unimagined rewards. Cultivate a rich and complex soil that allows you to think about and evolve your sexuality. Test the limits of your ability to express the fantasies and fears that may live silently between you. Expanding your comfort with an expanding range of intimate touch is the first gateway to knowing your erotic self. As you build your trust and curiosity with your own eroticism, your ability to experience ecstatic release grows, simultaneously enhancing your partner’s ability to respond to his or her erotic self. Perhaps the deepest form of listening is where two erotic selves shed their protective inhibitions in favor of the mysterious give and take of sexual pleasure. It is no wonder that exploring shared pleasure is the basis of biological bonding.
There is a strange coincidence between the percentage of people who don’t orgasm and the percentage of people who divorce. While sharing orgasm is not enough to keep a relationship alive, the inability to move toward it is enough to kill it. Good sex isn’t just what happens if a relationship is “right;” cultivating a life that holds the magic of orgasmic relief is an ongoing life work. But there is no other single work in life that will repay you so profoundly each and every time you share it.
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