The male sexual organs are a complex and well-orchestrated center of sensitivity and functionality. Unfortunately, questions concerning this organ system rarely evolve beyond the issue of size. The confusion between genital size and sexual satisfaction is perhaps one of the most damaging and rampant sexual myths on the planet.
The anxiety that many, if not most men, both gay and straight, feel about their penis size is as universal as the misconception that it is the penis that is the ringleader when it comes to sexual satisfaction and prowess. “We equate masculinity and power with penis size,” notes Ira Sharlip, MD, clinical professor of urology at the University of California at San Francisco and president of the International Society for Sexual Medicine. “Of course, there’s really no relationship.” Still, Sharlip says, “all” of his male patients want to increase their penis size.
The anxiety attached to penis size has shown up in many studies, where men consistently overestimate the size of the average penis and underestimate their own by comparison. Study results vary, but for the record, estimates of the length of the average flaccid (not erect) male penis range from 3.4 inches to 4 inches, erect from 5.1 inches to 6 inches, and average penis girth (circumference when erect) is 3.5 inches to 3.9 inches.
Why even many enlightened men tend to compare themselves in a way that is likely to have a negative evaluation might be, in part, because most pornographic depictions of penis size do not reflect the average man’s anatomy. We forget that the guy got the job because he was so big! Even men who are considering the painful process of surgical penile enlargement, men who would describe themselves as having unusually small penises, more often than not have average-size penises.
Penile enlargement surgery is the only way to permanently increase penis size. It costs from $5,000 to $17,000, to gain generally no more than one inch in length. Another procedure, dermal implant, can be used to increase girth. As with all surgical procedures, there can be complications. A short-term, non-surgical solution for temporary engorgement of the penis is a vacuum or penis pump, which requires a prescription, and is often prescribed for erectile dysfunction. All pumps work by drawing blood quickly into the penis and using a constriction ring that keeps it in there. Some are more effective than others and some are downright dangerous—if they don’t have an adequate release mechanism, there is a risk of blood vessel rupture—so be sure to investigate before purchasing. None of the topical or pill treatments for penis enlargement have shown any clinical success, so don’t waste your money.
In a web study of more than 50,000 heterosexual men and women, 85 percent of women were satisfied with their partner’s penis size, compared with only 55 percent of the men. In an all-women study, penis size was considered very important by less than 25 percent of participants. Even among the 50 percent of women who said it was somewhat important, sexual skill and giving time and attention to their partner ranked higher. “It’s a myth that using the penis is the main way to pleasure a woman,” says Ian Kerner, PhD, a New York sex and relationships counselor whose book, She Comes First, offers a guide to “female orgasms and producing them through inspired oral techniques.” In his book, Kerner cites a study that reports women reaching orgasm about 25 percent of the time with intercourse, compared with 81 percent of the time during oral sex.
Becoming an accomplished lover, a man no woman in her right mind would leave, has way more to do with the desire and intention to be a great lover than it does with penis size. In fact, spending time in the study and practice of being an incredible lover is perhaps one of the healthiest ways for a man to move beyond concerns about genital size. When a man refocuses his energy and curiosity on the amazing mysteries of pleasuring his partner, both his skills and his self-esteem increase. Giving conscious attention to sensory details in the act of lovemaking so expands the intimate connection that the only reflection left about the genital organs is amazement for how perfectly they are designed for sexual union. Breaking through one of the biggest sex lies of all time, that a man’s sexuality is a reflection of his penis size, is a gift to both partners.
Wendy Strgar’s San Francisco radio show, The Opening Door, focuses on intimate wellness and relationships for transformation.
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