4 Habits for Emotional Eating Repair
By Julie M. Simon
Most of us find it challenging to love ourselves unconditionally. Excess body fat, cellulite, acne, and body parts we believe to be too big, too small or too flabby are, after all, not easy to accept. We may wish we were smarter, funnier, younger, more driven, entrepreneurial, or athletic and find it hard to make peace with the areas where we believe we fall short. It can seem nearly impossible to stop disparaging ourselves with critical comments and judgments. But by doing so we deny ourselves the love and kindness that is our birthright. Self-rejection and -condemnation trigger both hopelessness and powerlessness. These states are not motivating, and they lead to depression, resignation, isolation and emotional eating.
Loving ourselves in a culture filled with unrealistic standards of beauty, success and personality requires courage. When we can acknowledge and enjoy our strengths and compassionately honor and embrace our weaknesses, we begin to see ourselves as the sum of our parts, a unique and worthwhile whole. This loving inner environment, free of contempt and self-rejection, sets the stage for further personal growth and transformation. We stop wasting precious time and energy hating ourselves and our bodies. We start accepting what is. We set ourselves free to pursue self-improvement, productivity, or creative projects. And we form more loving alliances with those around us as our self-acceptance and self-love translate into greater acceptance of others.
Learning to love and accept yourself is a process; all that is required is the willingness to practice. You can unlearn self-rejection and gently move toward self-love by developing the following four habits that people with a healthy level of self-acceptance naturally engage in.
Habit #1 Practice self-affirming commentary. Self-affirming commentary consists of statements you make to yourself that are unconditionally supportive and positive. No matter what a situation entails, you always support and encourage yourself—this means stopping the shame and blame game. You can practice this by praising yourself every day for small accomplishments and speaking to yourself with kindness when you’re upset with yourself. For example: “I’m proud of myself for cleaning up the kitchen today.” “I like the way I handled that phone call.” “I exercised once this week; that’s great, it’s more than zero.”
Habit #2 Adjust your expectations. Most of us rarely check in with ourselves and explore what we expect from ourselves or a given situation. It’s generally when we feel a sense of disappointment, anger, frustration, or sadness that our unstated or unconscious expectations come to the foreground. This is the time to get clear on them and adjust them if necessary.
When our expectations are too low, we may feel disappointed in ourselves and our lives. Adjusting our expectations by setting them higher may leave us feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or pressured. Conversely, when our expectations are too high, we feel constant pressure to do or be more. Perhaps we expect too much of others as well and are often disappointed in their behavior. Adjusting our expectations by lowering them a bit may leave us feeling disappointed, inadequate, unexceptional, ordinary and less motivated. Tolerating these new, uncomfortable emotional states will help us actualize our potential and create emotional balance.
Habit #3 Use comparisons for inspiration and motivation only.
We all compare ourselves to others. We do it automatically. We compare ourselves on many fronts: our body size and shape, attractiveness, youthfulness, possessions, accomplishments, lifestyles and even relationships. Comparisons work best when they are win-win; comparing yourself to others in a win-lose way is often nothing more than a deeply ingrained bad habit. You can begin to break the habit with the realization that you are on your own unique path. You are not in competition with anyone. Your goal is to be the best possible version of you.
When you observe others with attributes, bodies, accomplishments, families, friends, or things you wish you had, make the choice to drop the habit of making any comparison to yourself; just notice whatever it is you like or admire. View their beauty as you would artwork that you enjoy. View their accomplishments with respect, as you would those of a Nobel Prize winner. Allow yourself to be inspired and motivated.
Habit #4 Forgive yourself for perceived mistakes and failures.
Self-acceptance demands compassion and that means forgiveness. It begins with allowing yourself to experience and express the emotions regarding perceived mistakes or failures. Perhaps you regret not giving your best in a relationship. Maybe you feel sad and ashamed for not taking the best care of yourself. Most likely you were doing the best you could at the time. Expecting that you should have done better, and then beating yourself up, keeps you stuck in purgatory and fuels your emotional appetite.
Take some time to explore the reasons you have for not forgiving yourself. Make a list of the things you haven’t forgiven yourself for. Next to each item, write “I forgive myself completely.” What comes up when you write this? What do you fear would happen if you forgave yourself? Forgiving yourself may not take away the sadness you feel about something, but it’s an important part of healing.
If you began using food long ago to compensate for the acceptance, love, and nurturance missing from your life, now as an adult, you can and must choose to love and accept yourself unconditionally and nurture yourself in nonfood ways. You don’t need to wait until tomorrow, when you will lose the weight, get your face lifted, find a boyfriend, or land a better job. Loving yourself means giving yourself the support, kindness, and compassion you need and deserve today.
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Based on the new book The Emotional Eater’s Repair Manual ©2012 by Julie M. Simon. Published with permission of New World Library.
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Julie M. Simon, MA, MBA, is the author of The Emotional Eater’s Repair Manual. She is a Licensed Psychotherapist and Life Coach with 20+years experience helping overeaters stop dieting, heal their relationship with themselves and their bodies, lose weight and keep it off.
Photo courtesy Rochelle Hartman
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