Reclaim Your True Sexual Power
By Judith Orloff, M.D.
To manifest your full sexual power you have to surrender. There’s no way around it. You must completely inhabit your body and be in the moment. Holding back, fixating on performance, or letting your mind drift is the end of passion.
Orgasm is the crown jewel of surrender. You tap into the primordial flow of life as well as release tension. The more surrendered you are, the more ecstatic the orgasm.
The average male orgasm lasts 10 seconds and a female orgasm is 20 seconds or longer. Shockingly, national polls reveal nearly 50 percent of women report having orgasms infrequently or not at all during intercourse. Moreover, numerous studies have found that women fake orgasms up to half the time to protect their partners’ feelings.
Since most couples would agree that communicating with each other is important, why do so many of us fake orgasms? According to research there’s a massive amount of pretending going on in the bedroom that no one wants to talk about. The reports are strikingly consistent: about half the women surveyed admit to regularly faking orgasms, mostly during intercourse. And from 10 to 20 percent of men admit to occasionally faking them too.
What are the top reasons for faking? Women say they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings or not meet their expectations. They also don’t want to appear unsexy, inadequate, or that they’re “taking too long.” They fake to “get sex over with” because it’s unsatisfying, or they’re not in the mood. Typically, men say they fake when orgasm is unlikely. Faking might seem like the most caring, innocent, polite way to address not having an orgasm—and can buy time until you relax enough to let go—but in the grand scheme it hinders surrendering to intimacy.
The Hollywood version of sex is that two young, attractive people meet and immediately have hot sex with simultaneous orgasms. Talk about unrealistic! Seriously, who ever really has synchronized orgasms without learning about each other’s bodies? Maybe some lucky few or those anointed with genius technical skills, but not the rest of us. The expectation that we’re supposed to know everything about how to turn a lover on without him or her educating us is absurd. Given the improbable Hollywood model that we measure ourselves against, is it any wonder that women might fake, especially the first time they have intercourse with someone, no matter how exciting lovemaking can feel?
The solution to faking is honest conversation. Ideally you’ll start this when you begin a sexual relationship. Then, as you get used to sharing your likes and dislikes, it will become natural. Or if you’ve already been with someone for years, you can gently start expressing your needs now, never wronging your partner or making him or her feel incompetent. Just as you wouldn’t keep your taste in food a secret from your partner, it’s important to share your preferences about sex. It’s never too late; if you’re both open, you can always surrender to a deeper intimacy. It’s a beautiful discovery process. After all, anatomist Renaldo Columbus didn’t “scientifically” discover the clitoris until 1559.
Consider your exploration of orgasms sacred play. Surrender to trying new techniques, even if you initially feel awkward. For a woman, squeezing her pubococcygeal (vaginal) muscles in the pelvic floor, then bearing down to a count of five to prepare for pleasure, increases orgasms. You can also experiment with a vibrator or other sex toys. Physicians actually invented the vibrator because they were getting hand pain from masturbating women patients to orgasm. (This technique of “vulvar massage” was used in the Victorian era to treat “female hysteria.”) Today you can use vibrators for your own pleasure, a creative way to have an orgasm, which can deter faking.
How can faking prevent surrender? First, it too easily becomes a habit. Instead of telling your partner, “I adore you. You turn me on. I just don’t feel like having sex tonight,” you fake it. Maybe you are too tired, not in the mood, or would rather just lie beside your partner who’s pleasuring him- or herself. That’s all fine. There are no “shoulds” in lovemaking; sometimes the earth moves, sometimes it’s a more mellow pleasure. Listen to your intuition about what feels right in the moment. Stay true to your body and to yourself. Then you won’t betray your instincts or pretend because you’re afraid of being real. This may feel uncomfortable at times but the effort will help you claim your true sexual power.
Adapted from The Ecstasy of Surrender: 12 Surprising Ways Letting Go Can Empower Your Life, by Judith Orloff, M.D., available April 1 from Harmony Books. Preorder at www.drjudithorloff.com.
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