Oral Sex, a Skill-based Activity

Saying the words “oral” and “sex” in the same sentence will turn heads in almost any crowd. Even with a blush, most people engage and want to hear more. couple_foreplay_bed

Oral sex is at once one of the most desirable sexual experiences and the one that still carries enough discomfort to call it taboo in some circles. There was a time when you could get arrested for it, and technically you still could in Louisiana or North Carolina. Yet oral ways of loving have a power and passion unique in the world.

I have explained to many a teenager that oral sex might be the most intimate and raw act of intimacy that two people can share. They in turn have surprised me with how shockingly common the practice is among adolescents and teens. Many of them consider it “safe sex” or “not real sex.” A recent survey of more than 12,000 teens aged 15–17 reported that more than a third of both male and female respondents said they had both given and received oral sex. By the age of 18–20, the percentages jumped to two-thirds. Interestingly, both males and females reported higher percentages of receiving oral sex than giving it.

One of the most commonly asked questions among this age group is, “How do you have oral sex and not gag?” This is a question that resonates through most age groups, because oral sex, just like other sexual acts, is a skill-based activity, and other than pornographic clips online, many people have few resources to learn and improve their skills.

No one is excited to admit ignorance or inexperience when it comes to lovemaking, but there really is no topic that deserves or requires as much real communication and feedback. Finding a language to ask for what we want and to express what feels good to our partners takes courage and simultaneously builds trust. Your partner needs more than “it was fine” to teach them what kind of touch, frequency and intensity really brings you pleasure. Moaning is a good sign, but don’t be afraid to add words to your experience.

Discomfort about oral sex is probably more common than oral sex itself. Although more women can orgasm through oral sex than through intercourse, many feel anxious about it. The most common issues of discomfort are about smell, taste and relinquishing control. The literal and emotional opening up, surrendering to the pleasure that oral sex requires, is a big leap for many women. Often they feel there is no point in allowing themselves the vulnerability of the experience of oral sex because they may well have partners who are unwilling or unable to keep it going for the 15 to 20 minutes that the average woman requires of clitoral stimulation to climax. Satisfying oral sex for both men and women requires perseverance, patience and commitment to someone else’s pleasure.

The issue of swallowing male ejaculate is eternal. The range of taste and consistency in semen is as unique as the men themselves. Individual taste, like scent, is a product of what the man ingests, with vegetarians having the lightest taste of all. Fresh fruit and vegetables tend to lighten taste and odor, while coffee and alcohol tend to make it stronger. Don’t feel bad if you can’t go there; use your hands or switch to vaginal sex to finish the act, or simply keep a small towel handy. Choosing not to swallow does not take any pleasure away from the act.

Any body part slippery and scented is generally sexier than that same body part dry. Strategic use of aphrodisiac natural love oils, pleasure butters and body desserts in the course of oral exploration of your lover not only eliminates the scent/taste concerns that both partners might share about going down but also works on stimulating the arousal mechanism in the brain. If you love the raw smell of your partner, consider using a little coconut oil to keep things wet and smooth.

Moving Parts—The ins & outs of sexual lubricants

Adjusting pressure and intensity during oral sex involves an intimate conversation without words. Pressure and strokes are deeply personal preferences, and as with any kiss, developing your own personal art and style involves understanding and coordinating the variety of sensations that tongues and lips offer. Paying attention to the techniques that send you over the edge and allowing fantasy to inform you and replace your inhibitions in the process will surprise you with uniquely passionate and varied experiences.

—Wendy Strgar, writer, teacher and loveologist, is the founder and CEO at Good Clean Love, makers of Almost Naked 95 percent-organic lubricant.