At the Threshold:

She stood at the threshold, not wanting to enter the room in which her friend lay still … perfectly still, no more moans, no more shallow tiny breaths, no more rise and fall of her chest. Her fear was palpable; it was clear she had never been in the presence of a life-less body before. She watched as we gently bathed and loved her friend, not sure what she was supposed to do or feel.

Soft singing could be heard coming from a room downstairs where people were gathering to sit vigil. I watched her take a step forward and receive a few drops of essential oil in the palm of her hand. The scent of sacred oils enveloped us — myrrh, frankincense, and geranium among them — each oil bringing a gift to help guide our friend and ease our hearts.

She stood waiting her turn as one by one people bent down to touch their beloved friend’s feet, legs, arms, and hands, anointing her, loving her. She inched forward. I gave her an encouraging smile and placed a gentle hand on her back inviting her to take another step toward her friend. She hesitated; her fear was making it impossible for her to breathe. I inhaled and exhaled inviting her to follow my lead … she stood looking down at the oil in her hands looking lost … then with a big exhale she moved forward and placed her hands on her friend’s leg; she did not move. Silently I was counting the seconds and waiting for the magic to happen … slowly she began to move her hands and she relaxed … now she looked and was able to see her friend, a beloved, not a lifeless body … she did not pull away. Her hands moved up and down one calf then moved to touch the other … a loving touch, a final gesture. When she looked up and met my eyes, it was she who smiled; there was no more fear. There was instead an understanding and gratitude for this ritual that allows us to tend to those we love after they take their last breath. There were tears in our eyes, tears of love. We had broken through fear and come out whole and filled with love…. “Wow” was the only word she said.

As a Death Doula, I experience beautiful, profound moments like the one above that involve existing, new, and re-imagined rituals from many different family traditions, religions, and cultures. Anointing our loved ones with myrrh and frankincense or elevating a sickroom with lavender, rosemary, and rose are good examples of old rituals that can be re-imagined and find a new place in our lives. How we honor and care for our dying and deceased loved ones might have changed over the last few thousand years but our need to mark the significance has not.

It is a privilege to be with people at a time when emotions are so tender and many of us feel lost. Death is unfamiliar territory for most of us and our internal GPS isn’t programmed to navigate the landscape anymore. We try navigating by old family, cultural, or religious maps but too often we are left feeling that something is missing.

Ritual has been part of our human experience since we first gathered around fires. Large and ancient, like the celebrations we see for Day of the Dead and All Soul’s Day, or small and re-imagined, like the use of essential oil in the anointing story above, rituals have a way of making us present for the special qualities of a moment and support us through major life events. They allow us to elevate our experiences by creating meaning, making fleeting moments sacred, and easing our pain.

I believe the acceptance of death as a part of life can transform our cultural narrative, enrich our personal relationships, and strengthen our connection to nature, spirit, and each other. For the woman who helped anoint her friend, ritual enabled her to integrate her friend’s death and bring love and beauty to a heartbreaking and possibly life-changing moment. So while Day of the Dead may or may not be your ritual, I invite you to think about what ritual you could choose or create to honor and remember the people you love who came before you.

Birgitta Kastenbaum is an essential oil educator, modern medicine woman, and community gatherer. As an intuitive life coach, end of life guide, and death doula, she helps people weave the fabric of their lives in ways that are meaningful and healing. She believes in empowering, educating, and supporting each person as they find their own authentic way of living and dying for “living life fully happens when we hold death near.” To learn more, call 310-699-7591 or visit www.BridgingTransitions.net.